Say! A certain member of my family’s an asshole! Today I go to meet him, because he has some mail of mine. Well okay, so far so good. Anyway, he just dumped his girlfriend of six years. Well, shit happens. But! He did so four years after telling her that he didn’t want to spend his life with her. Now, sure, she’s a wimp for taking it, but come on! As a further burn to her, he dumped her a month after getting back from eight months overseas, wherein she waited for him. Fair enough on that point from his perspective, but that’s gotta feel awful. But anyway, that’s not why he’s an asshole; breaking up is hard to do; he’s an asshole because while I’m there he’s telling me about this girl he hooked up with in The Dominican, and is planning to go to New Orleans to visit. He goes on and on about how hot she is, how she’s a 10, et cetera et cetera. Well, okay, I felt a tinge of jealousy, as you do when you have a girlfriend but hear someone going on about a sexual exploit. Not really asshole behaviour yet in my opinion. But he’s really going on and on about it, all focusing on how fantastic she looks. So I’m leaving, and he’s going on about it, and I say that he sounds very proud of himself. Not the nicest thing to say, but a completely accurate one. His response: “Yeah, it’s great sleeping with someone that good looking. You should try it sometime.” Uh…you’re an ASSHOLE? You just insulted my girlfriend, who you barely know? You just dated a fat chick for SIX YEARS? And here’s the rub, thankfully but not completely unexpectedly: I checked her out on facebook. She’s not that hot. Tall, yes, with the nice body that confers, but not that fucking hot. She has very short dyed hair to go along with a goofy face and large teeth. I’d take my girlfriend over her pretty easily. Hell, I’d take anyone I’ve dated over her (over course, I only do take my girlfriend now, right, audience of my website that consists of my girlfriend?). Again, he dated a FAT CHICK for SIX YEARS prior to this. Now he hooks up with one good looking girl, out of complete luck, and he thinks he’s Casafuckingnova and insults me by insulting my significant other. What the fuck. What a bit of asshole douchebaggery. This is why we are not close, and will probably never be close until our Dad dies, at which point we’ll be close for about two hours before going our separate ways again. Ridiculous.
But enough about me, let’s talk about me: I’m currently unemployed, and that means a lot more reviewin’ in the days to come! Is this website online yet? I’m sleepy, I need to work out, I need to drink more. That last one I can do. See you in a few!
Look, I’m having trouble writing these days, so here’s my quick review of the damned album that I’m sick of forcing myself to listen to in the hopes that I’ll review it:
1. It’s too 80s. Right from the first drum kick you’ll go ‘shit, that’s too 80s!’ And so it remains.
2. There are three great songs: “Alex Chilton,” about the lead singer of Big Star in a quite direct and almost Philip Glassishly nonjudgemental sense, is the best pop song the band ever wrote, a complete song from riff to verse to chorus to bridge to the wonderful two yells in the last ten seconds. “Skyway” is a superlative acoustic number about a certain mode of public transit (and romance and other stuff nobody gives a shit about), and “Can’t Hardly Wait” is a song about some kind of anticipation that’s so perfect it titled some shitty fucking movie.
2. This is an album that doesn’t stand for anyfuckingthing. you could replace the best songs on “Tim” with the worst on here and set it on fire, and you know what to do with the better songs, and you’d have made as much of a “statement,” though really they’re not statement albums, they’re just The Replacements’ late 20-somethings albums. One is a continuation of the other.
Corollary: so much so that the album does the same dumb things as Timmy the ‘tard, like having a dumb-as-a-dumb-song ‘touph ring guy’ rocker (“Shooting Dirty Pool”) some dumb lounge song, and having a bunch of totally unmemorable blah songs.
3. Tbere’s a lot of bonus stuff here, a whole second (terrible) album’s worth. It’s all somewhat enjoyable, including the genuinely rabble-rousin’ “Kick It In” and a throwback silly song (“Bundle Up”) and more 50s nostalgia covers. And, don’t forget, useless demoes of album songs, and another god damned early version of “Can’t Hardly Wait.”